When things are not so "grand"

Where is the magic wand I was supposed to get when the children and grandchildren were born that would protect them from job loss or heartache or illness? I don't mean the B on the report card, but cancer, divorce, moving into a friend's basement. When grandparenting is not so grand and I realize that begin emotionally involved did not end with toilet training or the wedding day!

The hardest thing we who have amassed volumes of experience is to not give advice unless it is asked for. We have time and access to the internet to look up symptoms and lawyers, but the timing of those helpful words is critical. And the right time to mention things is when it is needed and wanted. There is no way we can really know what is going on with the doctor or the settlement negotiations or even the second grade teacher.

What we can do is move prayer up the list of our activities! Don't save prayer for when all else fails.  Instead make it the default first step. Pray not only for the situation and the person, but for strength to listen and listen and listen with complete confidence that, having done our best, we can trust the next generation to make the right decision for that moment in their lives. And if things change and there is a different decision, we will support that.

Keep the support generous and communications open. A year from now, two years from now....

 

Gifting

This year I read some good gifting advice: give children 1 thing they want, 1 thing they need, 1 book and 1 article of clothing. Spend the rest of the time you would be shopping or wrapping, playing board games and being together.

Sounds really good! It has pretty much been my strategy for years. Then as the grandkids age, they get gift cards in Middle School and cash beyond that.

But I still love the catalog marking event...

 

Holiday Traditions

Holidays, This was the first year "the children" - now in there 30s-40s - hosted Thanksgiving. Initially there was some hrumph ing from the People Formerly Kown as "In Charge." And a great deal of cooking and assembling was still commandeered by the AARP members. But it was lovely! The kid table is now largest. The adult table is shrinking as the last of the generation before us died this year. The sub- kid table of adorable grandchildren is growing. Lots of laughter and talking.

But today I made my own pumpkin pie so I'll have some leftovers and smells!

Great article on all the ways Grandparenting happens!

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grandparenting/how-to-be-a-better-grandparent.htm



Tips on travel together, step grandparening, full time and quality time with grandkids.

Take a look!
 

Remembering

About 20 minutes after my father died, I thought of a question I wanted to ask him. Not a deep life engaging question - just the location of a motel on Sanibel Island. But he was the last person who could have answered it and suddenly...he couldn't.

Once in a while the children will ask to hear stories in my past and I think "How boring! The grandchildren are so much more interesting!" I struggle to drudge up interesting events - like living through the Vietnam era or having a bomb shelter in the cold war. Like knowing how to use correction tape (or whiteout) or roller skate keys.

Now I wonder if pictures are more useful for starting discussion. Through an unfortunate set of circumstances, all my baby and childhood pictures are gone. But the internet is full of pictures of hand held egg beaters and creamed chip beef on toast. Here are some ways I thought to share memories without being BORNING!

Send pictures of something I used with explanation
Send pictures of their parents and uncles at the ages the grandchildren are now
Scan and send report cards and drawings from their parents
Collect generation pictures - my grandmother, my mother and me all at 50
Collect family pictures of Christmas or July 4 past
Typical clothing for each decade I have been alive




And remember that some things  - like kindness and faith in God and compassion and love NEVER EVER go out of style!

 

Helping Children with Grief: an interview with Jane Moore

Jane Moore has facilitated grief groups for children through the Good Mourning Program at Rainbow Hospice for 21 years. Thank you, Jane, for sharing your thoughts.

Tell me how you became interested in working with children around the subject of grief.

I was an elementary school teacher for 27 years.  Around year fifteen, the father of one of the children in my class suddenly died at 36.  I had no idea what to do nor did I receive any suggestions from my principal.  I ended up contacting a clergy person who coincidentally was a hospice chaplain.  I became a hospice volunteer myself and ended up writing my dissertation about the death of a student and how three of his teachers experienced the death and were not supported in their grief at school.  As a result, I developed a course for teachers at National Louis where I taught called “Death in a School Context.”  I taught it for ten years.

What would be 3 important points you want people to know about grieving children?

1. Young children are egocentric and believe that they are the cause of everything that happens.  It’s important to let children know that nothing they did (or did not do) caused the death to occur.

2.  As children reach new developmental levels, they re-grieve the losses that occurred when they were younger.  So a child who suffers the death of a parent at 5 may re-grieve that loss at 10 or 12 when he or she fully understands that death is permanent and that the loved one will not be there for important milestones or every day occurrences.

3.  Just like adults, children experience a variety of emotions after a death—they are not just sad.  They may be angry at the person for leaving them, or afraid that their ghosts might come to scare them, or anxious about being alone or afraid that someone else they love will die soon.  It is important to validate those feelings, while making sure that the child does not hurt him or herself or others.

Has your personal experience as a grandmother altered any of your professional insights?

I think that the loss of my own mother once I was a a grandmother really helped me to understand how important it is to tell the stories and share memories with grandchildren.  My oldest two granddaughters knew my mother and I like to help them remember their times with her. My three grandsons never met her.  I keep her picture at home and talk to them about her and connect the things that we do together to the things she did with their mom.

How can grandparents help a child during a troubled time - if not death, then parent divorce, miscarriage, or distress about things seen on TV?

Grandparents can be the “safe” people to talk to about a loss or a worry.  Sometimes children protect their parents (while usually their parents are protecting them) and don’t want to cause any more upset.  By talking about the concern with the children, you let them know that it is an okay subject to bring up.  That is a huge help to children.

 

Thank you, Jane.

 

Jane Moore is Professor Emerita at National Louis University where she developed and taught a course, “Death in a School Context” for educators.  She currently teaches “Theories of Bereavement and Intervention” and “Death in Pop Culture” in the Thanatology (study of death, dying, and bereavement) program at the University of Western Ontario.  Jane is a long-time member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, where she holds a Fellow of Thanatology designation.  She is a the mother of two adult children and grandmother of five, ranging in age from 2 to 11. https://www.facebook.com/St-Marks-Episcopal-Church-Glen-Ellyn-190386384342276/

Always worth the trip!

We are blessed to have grandchildren a mere 3 and 5 hours away (opposite directions form Chicago, of course!) and try to see them every 6 weeks or more often. Even if all we do is hang around the house and help with the carpooling, we are blessed to be with them in their own casual cay to day lives.



 I often use the time schlepping them to activities to tell Bible stories - the exciting ones! And I am not opposed to a little ham when it helps - did you know that when the Big Fish let Jonah out on the beach he BURPED loudly? What 5 year old boy could resist!


Now that the oldest girls are aging out of the visits to Grandad's we have such wonderful memories. No car hours seem too long in retrospect!