Listen to me!

As fascinating as all our individual technology is, families are more important.

That sound like a no rained, but consider your last family gatherings. It was not only the kids with noses in the phones, pads and boxes, it was the adults texting some thigh that could not wait and the AARP crowd were crushing candy and playing scrabble with friends. Really those little devices are mind filling! Plus I can text and talk at the same time...

But no one can keep an eye on the electronics and LISTEN at the same time. Listening requires eye contact and a mind clear of our own agendas. Listening means we do not even prepare our next comment while the person is speaking. We remember how to do it! Let's be the leaders in bringing it back.

Dinner at Grandparents can be TV and tech free! At Thanksgiving we actually gathered all the cell phone in one place and took a picture. Then dared people to leave them! Not everyone "could" but some us formed a impromptu band and others gravitated to the basketball court.

It starts with us - listening, exchanging ideas, waiting for thoughts to be completed. People who are listened to feel more valued that winning Tetrus!

The Whole Holiday Package

Grandparenting has a push-me-pull-you quality this time of year that some younger generation they envy.

If you officially now the oldest generation, there are the memories of long ago, some nostalgia watching old movies, maybe a sigh as you unpack the last of the Christmas ornaments off your growing-up tree.

And there is the excitement of the newest generation - the true faith in presents that appear magically, the real pain of waiting for the big day.

 In between are our kids - we watch them maneuver through the parenting years and juggle it all as we did. And now we don't. We watch more than do.

Tears, smiles, laughter, sighs, memories. Let them all come and fully be present in whatever place you are in.



May the hope, peace, joy and love of a new baby in Bethlehem be yours this Christmas.

When things are not so "grand"

Where is the magic wand I was supposed to get when the children and grandchildren were born that would protect them from job loss or heartache or illness? I don't mean the B on the report card, but cancer, divorce, moving into a friend's basement. When grandparenting is not so grand and I realize that begin emotionally involved did not end with toilet training or the wedding day!

The hardest thing we who have amassed volumes of experience is to not give advice unless it is asked for. We have time and access to the internet to look up symptoms and lawyers, but the timing of those helpful words is critical. And the right time to mention things is when it is needed and wanted. There is no way we can really know what is going on with the doctor or the settlement negotiations or even the second grade teacher.

What we can do is move prayer up the list of our activities! Don't save prayer for when all else fails.  Instead make it the default first step. Pray not only for the situation and the person, but for strength to listen and listen and listen with complete confidence that, having done our best, we can trust the next generation to make the right decision for that moment in their lives. And if things change and there is a different decision, we will support that.

Keep the support generous and communications open. A year from now, two years from now....

 

Gifting

This year I read some good gifting advice: give children 1 thing they want, 1 thing they need, 1 book and 1 article of clothing. Spend the rest of the time you would be shopping or wrapping, playing board games and being together.

Sounds really good! It has pretty much been my strategy for years. Then as the grandkids age, they get gift cards in Middle School and cash beyond that.

But I still love the catalog marking event...

 

Holiday Traditions

Holidays, This was the first year "the children" - now in there 30s-40s - hosted Thanksgiving. Initially there was some hrumph ing from the People Formerly Kown as "In Charge." And a great deal of cooking and assembling was still commandeered by the AARP members. But it was lovely! The kid table is now largest. The adult table is shrinking as the last of the generation before us died this year. The sub- kid table of adorable grandchildren is growing. Lots of laughter and talking.

But today I made my own pumpkin pie so I'll have some leftovers and smells!

Great article on all the ways Grandparenting happens!

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grandparenting/how-to-be-a-better-grandparent.htm



Tips on travel together, step grandparening, full time and quality time with grandkids.

Take a look!
 

Remembering

About 20 minutes after my father died, I thought of a question I wanted to ask him. Not a deep life engaging question - just the location of a motel on Sanibel Island. But he was the last person who could have answered it and suddenly...he couldn't.

Once in a while the children will ask to hear stories in my past and I think "How boring! The grandchildren are so much more interesting!" I struggle to drudge up interesting events - like living through the Vietnam era or having a bomb shelter in the cold war. Like knowing how to use correction tape (or whiteout) or roller skate keys.

Now I wonder if pictures are more useful for starting discussion. Through an unfortunate set of circumstances, all my baby and childhood pictures are gone. But the internet is full of pictures of hand held egg beaters and creamed chip beef on toast. Here are some ways I thought to share memories without being BORNING!

Send pictures of something I used with explanation
Send pictures of their parents and uncles at the ages the grandchildren are now
Scan and send report cards and drawings from their parents
Collect generation pictures - my grandmother, my mother and me all at 50
Collect family pictures of Christmas or July 4 past
Typical clothing for each decade I have been alive




And remember that some things  - like kindness and faith in God and compassion and love NEVER EVER go out of style!

 

Helping Children with Grief: an interview with Jane Moore

Jane Moore has facilitated grief groups for children through the Good Mourning Program at Rainbow Hospice for 21 years. Thank you, Jane, for sharing your thoughts.

Tell me how you became interested in working with children around the subject of grief.

I was an elementary school teacher for 27 years.  Around year fifteen, the father of one of the children in my class suddenly died at 36.  I had no idea what to do nor did I receive any suggestions from my principal.  I ended up contacting a clergy person who coincidentally was a hospice chaplain.  I became a hospice volunteer myself and ended up writing my dissertation about the death of a student and how three of his teachers experienced the death and were not supported in their grief at school.  As a result, I developed a course for teachers at National Louis where I taught called “Death in a School Context.”  I taught it for ten years.

What would be 3 important points you want people to know about grieving children?

1. Young children are egocentric and believe that they are the cause of everything that happens.  It’s important to let children know that nothing they did (or did not do) caused the death to occur.

2.  As children reach new developmental levels, they re-grieve the losses that occurred when they were younger.  So a child who suffers the death of a parent at 5 may re-grieve that loss at 10 or 12 when he or she fully understands that death is permanent and that the loved one will not be there for important milestones or every day occurrences.

3.  Just like adults, children experience a variety of emotions after a death—they are not just sad.  They may be angry at the person for leaving them, or afraid that their ghosts might come to scare them, or anxious about being alone or afraid that someone else they love will die soon.  It is important to validate those feelings, while making sure that the child does not hurt him or herself or others.

Has your personal experience as a grandmother altered any of your professional insights?

I think that the loss of my own mother once I was a a grandmother really helped me to understand how important it is to tell the stories and share memories with grandchildren.  My oldest two granddaughters knew my mother and I like to help them remember their times with her. My three grandsons never met her.  I keep her picture at home and talk to them about her and connect the things that we do together to the things she did with their mom.

How can grandparents help a child during a troubled time - if not death, then parent divorce, miscarriage, or distress about things seen on TV?

Grandparents can be the “safe” people to talk to about a loss or a worry.  Sometimes children protect their parents (while usually their parents are protecting them) and don’t want to cause any more upset.  By talking about the concern with the children, you let them know that it is an okay subject to bring up.  That is a huge help to children.

 

Thank you, Jane.

 

Jane Moore is Professor Emerita at National Louis University where she developed and taught a course, “Death in a School Context” for educators.  She currently teaches “Theories of Bereavement and Intervention” and “Death in Pop Culture” in the Thanatology (study of death, dying, and bereavement) program at the University of Western Ontario.  Jane is a long-time member of the Association for Death Education and Counseling, where she holds a Fellow of Thanatology designation.  She is a the mother of two adult children and grandmother of five, ranging in age from 2 to 11. https://www.facebook.com/St-Marks-Episcopal-Church-Glen-Ellyn-190386384342276/

Always worth the trip!

We are blessed to have grandchildren a mere 3 and 5 hours away (opposite directions form Chicago, of course!) and try to see them every 6 weeks or more often. Even if all we do is hang around the house and help with the carpooling, we are blessed to be with them in their own casual cay to day lives.



 I often use the time schlepping them to activities to tell Bible stories - the exciting ones! And I am not opposed to a little ham when it helps - did you know that when the Big Fish let Jonah out on the beach he BURPED loudly? What 5 year old boy could resist!


Now that the oldest girls are aging out of the visits to Grandad's we have such wonderful memories. No car hours seem too long in retrospect!

Super Summer

Summer are great for visits. I am lucky all 5 grandkids live within a days drive so each one spends a 4-5 days with us. During that time we only watch the TV, play the games, do the activities that child wants. It is a fantastic opportunity to see them without parents or siblings and really builds our relationships.

I usually start when the child is 5 or 6, depending on the ability to stay overnight alone. Between grades 6 and 7, we take them on a trip in the USA. Between grades 7 and 8, we go to Europe, destination of their choosing! After that they are busy with friends, but we have great memories. This is not a plan for everyone, but there are other ways.

Even taking each child for a 1/2 day during a family visit can provide quality time if you focus on what the child likes and wants to do. That is how we get to know them! A trip together to the library or a playground and then lunch is all that is needed. Take lots of pictures and send copies to the child.

Getting away overnight is a real treat and does not need to involve long distances. A play or performance or sporting match in the next big city is enough. Stay in a budget motel with a pool.

Children love to hear from you directly even if all the plans are made with the parents long ahead of time. Send an invitation letter with the details of the trip so you can all get excited! Afterward send pictures with a personal note telling what a good time you had.

Her are the boys exploring new playgrounds in the Chicago area!

 

Small gifts - big results!

We all get hit up for school sales of cookie dough to gift wrap and support those as we can. Did you ever think of donating as a way of engaging the grandchildren?

As a long distance grandparent, if you support other missions or causes that would be of interest to grandchildren - donating goats or school supplies or soccer balls to kids the same age - easy to honor them in the gift memo! Then take a picture and send or post it.

Every year St. Mark's sends a team to Appalachia for Habitat with Humanity. One of their fund raisers is building a house - people buy shingles, windows, plants by contributing.

Once a year pay for the church flowers in thanks for the children - by name in the bulletin if possible.

If you walk or run races, have a T shirt screened with names for pictures or wear a button honoring them.

If children are local you have unlimited possibilities for donating food to pantries, cleaning up on Earth day, and baking cookies for charity events. Attention spans are short, but even a glimpse of a situation of need will help balance lives of affluence.

In these ways you model selfless living in our abundant world.
 

Holy Days, Blessed Grandchildren

How can grandparents influence Easter traditions and activities?


If we are not there in person, use the internet! Send pictures of Easters raising your children - one event most everyone gets dressed up at the same time and we take pictures.  Use pinterest or facebook or email.

Send books or easy to read Bible stories for gifts. Whatever the reading level there are books on line and in the Christian bookstores.

Buy a lily plant for your church and note it is to honor the grandchildren - by name if possible. Send them bulletins.

If we are local grandparents, take them to special children's services. Invite their friends to come along.

Whatever church they attend on Easter morning, go with them. It may not be your home church, but it will be the same wonderful story wherever you are!

Blessings
on your journey as Christian Grandparents!

Milestones

There are grandparenting moments of huge happiness, but

 they seem to come with the passage of time. How do children grow so quickly and we do not age? A miracle!

This week another First Communion. That is 4 out of 5 grandblessings - oh my! No matter how far away the families are, these are moments to be together!

Time Warp

I suppose time still drags for children waiting for Christmas, but for grandparents it flies so fast! One day they are in your arms and their mothers want advice and the next the "baby" is headed for Kindergarten, the crib is retired and diaper pail is closed forever. Pictured below is the youngest in the Sunday school Christmas pageant - not a good idea to stand these buddies next tot he Advent wreath...

It was most evident at the holidays this year as we visited and entertained that the puzzles and building blocks and books that had worked since 2001 (!) sat in the bins while electronics took over. Sigh.

So I am revamping my DVD collection for less Disney and upgrading the board games from Candyland.

Interesting this year the Noah and Moses both made it onto the Big Screen in the adult world. Big on my DVD refurbish list is Veggie Tales - the early years. They are still the most engaging way to get the essence of a Bible story across. It is hard to find quality Bible Story videos, but they are out there. Prince of Egypt is an example of what can be done. It is by DreamWorks who have also made one called Joseph: King of Dreams.

Many of the best games have Bible editions, but unless the grandkids are grounded in Sunday school, they may not enjoy them. Apples to Apples, Trivia and Outburst all have Bible editions. For beginners, Cokesbury has a Bible matching game and a Noah's Ark Go Fish.

Don't forget the advantage of all tense activities is to engage your grandchildren with you in Bible learning. Just tell them the action packed adventures you know! You are still their best Bible resource
.